23 January 2010	This should be the last post of my writing on Angelatbi.com Journal. The end of my special price is coming soon. The Siteground servers have been wonderful with the cheap package. The promotion time almost over. I am keeping the journal  on line on a blogger site. It is the most important thing here to me on the whole site. Over all, there is not that much content. The site could have dealt with several stories in the same manor, easily. It really is over kill, but it has been very use full with dealing with my own stress, helpful information from others, and keeping family informed on what happened daily. It is my life, so  I really do not expect  it to be important to most people as it is to me. I have learned quite a bit about TBI, the system, people in general, God's love, and even myself. I still continue to learn. I am making another site in the same manor. Angela's story will not be there, unless needed. I hope it will be a place where hundreds of others can collaborate, support each, and share hope where everyone can just move forward to learn to respect and enjoy the life that they are handed and cope with the situations around them. Pass-worded and free for the user. I can pay out of  pocket or find a sponsor. It is all about moving forward the best that you can. Bad things always happen. What you do with the bad times might effect your future good times in the form of regret and sorrow. In less than a month from the two year anniversary I have to thank God for being our provider. The largest blessing is that Angela is still here. She is a great Mother that almost was no more. It makes me thankful. It is like the second chance on everything for me as well to be a be a better Father, husband, friend, and man. The greater the challenge, better the victory. We still have our challenges as a family all the way around. It has been a wake up call for me when I look in the past and see what is really important. Another miracle is the beginning of our journal is not actually the beginning for the big picture. We were living in a failed marriage. Valentine's day, two years ago we agreed on a divorce. I was the one who demanded it Just in case you were wondering. I thought that I had enough. The 22ND of February we were to file together, uncontested. Angela had her wreck the day before.We had agreed on everything. Only close family knew of this until now. It has been really personal to me. We are still here in more ways than one. I did bring it up to her about a year later thinking that she may not remember. She did remember some of it, but it didn't matter for her. She didn't want to talk about divorce. That was the largest reason we never got divorced for extended medical care. It is just too easy to do and does not really solve anything. Things sort of worked out, while other things fell apart. It makes you ask yourself what is really important. It is not the money, the things, or even the bills. It is the life you live and the impact it has on others around you.
19 January 2010	Still spending my spare time working on a different web project. I have had the server space for a while. I am evaluating a server side called Dolphin that siteground has already set up to install from the control panel. It is a full featured and ready to go package. It looks to be more like a date site when first installed. The cool thing about this is that it is very interactive. Much like the on line support groups that you see. Each user can share articles and links. Moderators can be the ones in charge. Where each brain injury is different, so should be the content of solutions for coping and moving forward. It has collaboration features like chat,friends, and user prefs. It may be a couple of months till I get it up and going. My hopes are to have professional opinion and the "experts" leading the conversations with input from everywhere. And it would all be different opinion. I think it will be neat. There are several good Ideas out there. Why not hear them all? Why not have a whole group run it? Also looking at a website for the Church. I am pretty excited about that. I was looking at the same software for it as just part of it. Angela was a bit better today...She is still wound up a little.
17 January 2010 Midnight	Stayed home from work. I feel run down. I  had plenty of sleep. I don't know what is wrong with me. I went to Church this morning and went right back to bed again afterward.  Angela is still wired for sound . It got a little physical on the outburst just a little while ago. Not like it use to be. It still scares me when I don't expect it. Usually it happens when Angela takes something way out of context. Her confusion and anxiety seemsType Content Here to be really high. She talked through Church service and study today quite a bit also. I try to step her down a bit when she is like that. She will listen to me for the most part. She just forgets and goes  back to talking. Her impulsiveness seems  to be happening more. I am going to give it a couple of days before I see the doctor again. It may be linked to the dog getting hit. Laughing and joking is working fine with her out bursts right now. It will step her down a bit. I will give it till this Thursday. I am back to hearing "Joey" every 5 seconds and she is repeating everything she hears again on TV. We are definitely on a backwards slide for right now.
17 January 2010	Angela woke up in a better, less overwhelmed mood. She is getting ready now on her own. Seemingly very well, too. Hope that it is a good sign.
16 January 2010	One more verbal outburst in the car. Scary when you are not expecting it. I don't know where it came from. She let it out and it seemed to be over with. She is taking her meds now.   She got her haircut tonight. She talked that girls ear off. I think she needs a girls day out sometime. I am really getting better about letting her go and talk. She even told me thanks. There were a few looks, quite a bit really. She even noticed one of them tonight. We stopped in McDonald's and she was getting the drinks and I was waiting on the food. She came  up beside me and asked why the cashier keeps staring at her. She kind of called her out because she was  about 3 feet away and had to have heard. I just told Angela that I didn't know what her deal was.  Caught a young boy, about 17 or so, laughing for some reason also with his buddy. Staring at him seemed to make it stop. Kind of stressful just getting out. Last month Angela was invisible for the most part. Just weird the way it goes back and fourth.
16 January 2010	Angela is a little better, but still down. She had one verbal outburst today. I laughed her down off from it pretty quick and she felt really bad afterward. Trying out a  new software that will be for another site. Forums... I know nothing much about them. At least on this end. I am just playing around with it for now.
13 January 2010	Another bad day for Angela. I found a dog for her right after Christmas. It was a Boxer. The dog got away from her and ran in the road. It happened while I was asleep. I am thankful she didn't  go after her like Angela has before. The car ran off without stopping. Angela said that she just wanted to take it to use the bathroom. She had the dog on the leash but it was to strong and quick for Angela. She woke me up while she was calling the animal clinic. The dog looked to have died quickly.She still insisted to take it to the clinic. I think she wanted a second opinion. She is very talkative and persistent today. Looks like I will be up the rest of the day before work. Now she wants a baby. A real one. I quickly said No. I talked to her all about it. It was a conversation that went round and round, then no where. We shifted gears and talked bout the movie on TV.
10 January 2010	A new year and I feel like I am behind on everything. Not a very good way to start. We had our test with the kids around Angela. It lasted for two weeks. before we started I got with our doctor and he put her on some extra meds to help with the anxiety.. We covered the safety basics over the phone with the kids on who to call, what to do, and how to act to help Mom out. What I did not account for is arguing and fighting that the two younger brother sister do. I thought that they could curb it down for two weeks. But they are kids and that is just who they are. It didn't matter how much I talked to them or even threatened them. I had to work five nights of the fourteen days that they were here. That was the real test. Like everything else it didn't go like I thought that it would. It wasn't exactly bad, as in worse case, but it wasn't great either. There are a whole lot of things that I need to work with the kids on. Seth did pretty well, but Skylar likes to push his button. He called EVERY time that Skylar, his little sister was picking on him. Sky would not talk to me on the phone when I asked to talk to her. The first night Chase was there and did well with them. He was the little man. I wish that he could have stayed the whole time. He was great. I think that Seth and Sky listened better to him, than me. That would be unfair to chase if he did stay the whole time. He is almost 13 and needs to be like every other kid his age. I don't want to put a whole lot on him. He worries too much about everything anyway. It is hard to crack down on the kids hard when you have not seen them in a while The two would not listen to Mom like they should and really took advantage in a child like way. They stayed up past bed time, would not pick up after themselves, asked Mom for things they knew where against the rules( like candy when the would not eat dinner ). Mom 's answer of "yes" was used a whole lot. Nothing super devious, but it all adds up in the big picture of working together. Normal kid stuff though. About the third day was the worst for Angela. She was slipping backwards to the world that she has been fighting so hard to get out of. I saw more confabulations and the really freaky delusions that I really thought that she was done with. Angela misses the kids like crazy. I know this with all my heart. At the same time she gets so strung out when they are around. Over-stimulation is the term that they jam down your throat at the hospital. It is hard for Angela to find her sanctuary and get away from the kids when she is overwhelmed when she knows that she only has two weeks with them. Even her left side coordination went backwards. Back to causing falls. She did have a couple of outbursts. She was smart enough to save them for me for the most part. She did calm down and apologize on her own later. They were very minor compared to the past. There was a time where one of the children was involved. But everything worked out. Angela really cannot control it when it happens. She really does love her kids . They will always be her babies. Angela stayed on edge with a lot of confusion. It was nothing like I had planned for. Her big release was still Church. Everything seemed fine there. I kept thinking I will have to leave early. It did not happen. That was her best times. It would seem that all of the people, and all of the noise that she would go off. She smiles there. It is overwhelming for me to see her like that. From confusion to happy. I really don't get it, but it works for her fine. With what we have been through in the past crows of people never have worked. There is  just too much going on after a while. Angela has been pushing for us to be members of the Church and do more than just a Sunday morning. After the new year she got her wish new year. I reaffirmed my baptism with Angela's. It just seemed like perfect timing. What a way for us to bring in a new year. Like any team, we have our losses and victories and try to share them equally. And it seems to be all about new starts. Angela wanted to volunteer and she did Wednesday night. She really enjoyed it. It goes with the old saying, "Put your troubles in God's Hands and let him deal with it". Otherwise, there is no explanation for how well she does there. I think that even if had never glanced at a Bible, I would still believe in the will of God. Bad things do happen and nobody can avoid them. Life just feels too much like a test. It seems like a test where we are graded on how we push back against the bad. Even when  I feel burn out and just feel done with everything there is something there that pushes me forward that I cannot take credit for. That alone is a blessing. I remember a story (barely) that I read while Angela was in a coma at the hospital where God promised to take care of Elijah and  the ravens brought him flesh and he drank from the brook. When the brook ran dry   God continued his journey of pure faith. It stuck in my head for some reason. Kind of like when you hear an old 80's song and you hear it over and over in your head. I cannot  remember where it is from. It just goes along with some of my thoughts when I am thinking, "Okay that didn't work , now what?" I now have a deeper interest in the theological side of things.. It is why I really enjoy the Bible study there at church. It is not just history, it is relating our own life experiences. The older members speak and I am addicted to listening. You can tell that they have been there and done that just from responses to the discussion. I cannot do anything, but shut up and listen. I put a whole lot value on the others words of wisdom. I don't think that I have said much at all in the study. They probably think I am a bump on a log. Angela does say a whole lot. Too much really, but they are real good to her. I have to give her the "shush" look every once in while and sometimes say it under my breath. She has no problem with leading the discussions there.Her thoughts are not always on the subject of discussion. The kids are long gone again. I miss them myself like crazy. I talked about the test we are doing with Angela and the kids with people at work. I get suggestions and ideas that way. It is the good side to feedback. They all think that they are helping, but they are not me. Most will start by saying, "If it were me". The good thing about advice is that you don't have to abide by it. I take it all in and listen. If anything, I really believe I am a much better listener than I was before. I use to get angry with others opinions that didn't directly line up with mine, based on my experiences on what is ethical and the absolute right thing to do. Most at work seem to think that I should move forward with my life and leave Angela to the professionals like in a home. Most that are honest with me enough to talk about it say about the same. One guy said we could visit her as a family in a home. A few months ago I would have been mad for him suggesting that. I believe that there  is no right answer for our situation. I cannot dog anyone for turning a loved one over to the professionals. I know it would be painful enough. And then not to have any legal say so on how they are treated or if any therapy gets done. And there is something about visiting Mom in a group home that just isn't family enough. Would Angela do better, I think yes and no. It is sort of a double edged sword. Some  at work think I am choosing my wife over my kids. Not the case at all. It may seem that way and even feel that way sometimes for me. I don't want my kids to ever believe that garbage is true. My thoughts are that I don't want to give up on her at least not just yet. The kids set her back a bit in a whole lot of ways (just being normal kids). We will try again this Summer and find another way to make it work. Their safety and Angela's safety will still be the number one concern.   We all sort of failed the trail this time around. Okay, so now what? I got faith that  it will all work out in the end. I also got faith that it won't work out the way I want or even think it will. In the end we will have our miracle, I am just not in control. It is still in God's hands, So it is God's time. Failure is okay just as long as we learn something from it. It is waste of time to dwell on disappointment. I learned that the hard way. I am up early in the morning and Bible study is just hours away The work schedule isn't great, but it works. Angela is snoring hard and I had a lot on my mind so I figured I would blast more of my own crazy thoughts on the site. I had to work overtime this week. I actually hope I get more. I am having second thoughts about stopping the site when the time runs out. I feel like it does help me. It is more important to me than it is to anyone else. More so than Angela, It is about the seams of my thoughts, more so than Angela's. As I look back through it I can see that more and more. I really didn't mean for it to be.